By Robert Mandelberg
Note: Having seen hundreds of websites for business coaches, motivational coaches, leadership coaches, and coaching coaches, I noticed some striking similarities. Hoping I do not offend any of my coaching friends, here is my take on Every Coaching Website I Have Ever Seen:
Do You Have this Insurmountable Problem?
Is Something Stopping You From Being Happy?
Do You Wish Things Were Better?
How fortunate you are to have stumbled upon my little corner of the Internet. For, in just a few moments, you will learn how your problem is not as insurmountable as it may seem; that this thing that is stopping you from being happy can be erased; and that things can indeed be better.
I am the answer to your miserable existence. Why, the only thing that is separating you from what you want in life is some money. And the best part is (and get this!): You are in complete control over how much happiness you can achieve. Coincidentally, your level of happiness directly corresponds to your level of investment. Doesn’t it feel great knowing that you are driving your own destiny? And if you choose to remain miserable in exchange for hanging on to your money, at least you know it was indeed your choice. And that’s what’s so liberating.
How can you be sure that I am the right person to cure your miserableness? Read on to see my credentials:
I did this remarkable thing.
I did this other remarkable thing.
I did this third remarkable thing.
This is, in fact, just a tiny sampling of the remarkable things I’ve done. Oh, how it pains me to list just a few my many remarkable achievements. I do not have the time to spend, you see, on enumerating all of my victories when I am far too busy succeeding. Let these three stand, though; and serve as just a mere representation of the plethora of remarkability I could easily have shat upon you.
If you don’t believe me – just in case these remarkable feats seem just a bit too remarkable, allow me prove my claims with a few testimonials of my brilliance and worth as a provider of happiness and a remover of miserableness. If you thought just the mere telling of my greatness was overwhelming, just wait until you see what these strangers had to say. Their words, coupled with my stories, instantly will remove any lingering doubt as to my fabulocity. While reading these endorsements, please try to keep in mind that these are but a few (a scant few), random pieces of praise that I scooped off the very top of an enormous mountain of pleasantries that were created to convey heartfelt appreciation for my greatness.
He solved this horrible problem I had.
He stopped me from crying and made me be happy again.
He made everything okay.
See? Great words about me; words that mean something. Words that were expressed not only to demonstrate my greatness, but to show you that you, too, can experience the remarkableness that is me.
Don’t you have a problem you need solved? Wouldn’t you like to stop crying and be happy again? Don’t you need everything to be okay? Oh, of course you do. It won’t be long before you draft a letter heaping glorious praise upon me.
Oh, and did you get a change to visit my blog?? Oh, you must. It’s loaded with articles and stories and tips and pearls of wisdom you can use in your quest to be happy. In each article, I demonstrate my considerable expertise in this thing I do. Very impressive, I look in them. Here are some of the titles of my works:
The 10 Things You Need to Know About Something
You love things in a list, so you will love my list of things. These are things that I know, and you do not. Read through my blog post and you will walk away knowing the things that I know that you do not. Don’t worry; there is virtually no chance that you will learn anything substantial from the article – you will still need to hire me for this thing that I do. But when you have finished reading these things in a list, you will be clearer on exactly what it is you don’t know. Must read.
How the Supermarket/a Women’s Shoe/Some Popular TV Show/a Fork/the Game Toss-Across/My Cat’s Breakfast is a Lot Like Something Else in Life.
In this witty essay, I spew off my insights on how some mundane thing we all do has remarkable similarities to something that isn’t as mundane. You will delight in my cleverness as I draw analogy after analogy profoundly linking the meaningless to the meaningful. You’ll never think of the mundane thing the same way ever again! Must read.
What’s Your Biggest Fear/Problem/Thing That’s Holding YOU Back?
I just adore how I put YOU all in caps. It really makes the article look that much more important. In this insightful piece, I condescendingly tell YOU how to improve your life. In less than 300 words, I give YOU the answer to all of your problems; advise YOU how all you need to do is do something, and it’s done; and gently scold YOU for not following this advice sooner, even before YOU read it. Must read.
Don’t Make This Mistake!
Ah, my favorite. This is the blog post where I bestow upon you the wisdom I have gained as the result of making mistakes in the past. Allow me, my child, to pass down sage advice so that you can avoid the terribleness that would surely befall upon you had you not seen this post. You see, person, I was like you way back when, several months ago. I, too, wanted the thing you want, and went about to secure this thing. But in my endeavors, I encountered hardship and badness that cost me money/time/reputation/happiness/a limb, and that was indeed bad! In this article, I, from my loftiest “been-there” voice, guide you through a thorny path of obstacles and evil. I suffered so that you do not have to. You are so very welcome.
Isn’t it time for you to be happy? Simply select the level of desired happiness, and click “Buy Now”:
Gold Level: Don’t get fooled by the title of this level! This is just the most basic program I offer. Somehow my industry decided that the “Gold Standard” was no longer good enough. We still keep it for nostalgic purposes, but it is the lowest of the low. In this program, you derive your happiness from the mere knowing that you’ve joined an upscale program. No actual services are provided. Anyone who knows anything knows that anyone who is anyone joins a program. Consider this your minimum entry to happiness. Your membership gives you the right to brag about your membership. Upgrades are available.
Cost $10,500 per year.
Platinum Level: Desire more than just a basic level of happiness? Who could blame you? Then consider membership at the Platinum Level. You get everything that’s included in the Gold Level plus one 30-minute group telephone “masterminding” call every month. Here, you will have 45 seconds (every month!) to reveal your deepest goals, fears, and desires to dozens of other miserable people, and then listen to their well-intended but inane suggestions on how to be happy. I am not actually hosting the call, but you can rest assured that someone who has paid me a lot of money will be. Upgrades are available.
Cost: $24,000 per year.
Diamond Level: Okay, now we’re talking. This level is for people who truly desire happiness, and they are willing to buy it. This program features everything that’s included on the Gold Level, Most things on the Platinum Level, and this: A private number that you can call once a month to speak with me for seven to nine minutes. If you manage to get through, I will listen to your tales of miserableness and failed dreams and offer my sage wisdom to make you happy. This program has a high rate of success because people who pay this much for a membership will claim they are happy beyond belief to save themselves from the embarrassment of admitting they incurred serious debt for a membership to a totally useless program. Upgrades are available.
Cost: A Whopping $100,000 per year.
So which level is right for you? Look deep into your soul and ask yourself if you could afford not to join a program. Hint: Do not discuss this with your spouse or family (they really don’t know what you need, do they?). You know this is something you need to do. Sign up today!